Rambling: Thoughts on Work and Life

28 Oct, 2023

I've had more than a handful of coworkers tell me that I don't really talk much, that I keep to myself, that I seem kind of down or busy all the time. And they're not necessarily wrong, per se - I just like keeping to myself, I'm generally not a loud person (at least, not until you get me talking about things I'm passionate about) and my job has a gazillion working parts involved, so when I talk to other people, it's predominantly work-related. When I take lunches, I like to eat by myself in somewhere away from people - whether it's taking my lunch later in the day, going to an empty office, or even just chilling outside in the parking lot (these days it's really cooled off so I get to sit outside more :) ).

It's not necessarily because I hate my coworkers or something. My job stresses me out, and I just need to spend my lunch of the day getting away from it even for a brief moment. At my last job, most people in my department were like that - clock in, do your work, clock out. We got along, but that was just about it. In my new one, they have a lot of events involving charity work and mingling with others - it seems like a nice way of boosting morale... but I think just being paid more would be a significantly better morale boost for me ¯_(ツ)_/¯

And in my time here, I've been a little at-odds with my coworkers for how I exist and function.

Take for example: At my current workplace, very respected employee recently retired about a month or so ago. I didn't know the guy - we were in totally different departments and I never once worked with him - but when I spoke to him a couple times he seemed nice enough. One day, while getting ready to go to lunch, I was stopped by another person from his department asking if I wanted to join them in his retirement party. I declined: I had a lot of shit to do after my lunch, and I wanted to make sure I had the spoons for it. This person seemed a little offended by me not wanting to join and insisted, and I said thanks but no thanks. When I was coming back from lunch, there were a ton of people in the meeting room and it was very loud, and some of them side eyed me as I passed by them, like I had wronged them for whatever reason.

To a lesser degree: While having lunch the other day, one of my coworkers from another (different) department sat down with me in the breakroom to chill and chitchat. He mentioned there being this event our workplace was having at a nearby park in a few weeks and asked if I was going to it. I said thanks, but no thanks - I was going to be busy¹ that weekend, and said event was a little too far of a drive for me to justify coercing my girlfriend's grandma to let me take the trip. This coworker was pretty understanding about it, but at the same time... kind of not - he kind of set me aside and asked about if I had actually enjoyed my job, if I had enjoyed being there, because every time him or anyone else saw me, I was stressed out or tired or kind of gloomy looking. I laughed and just said that I was just dealing with the motions, "this too shall pass" as my mom would say, etc. etc..

These kinds of conversations more or less just boil down to me telling them that partaking in these kinds of things aren't for me, or that I wouldn't be able to make it, or I'm totally swamped with work and I just can't. And superficially, it is that. But at the same time, many of those reasons I feel these ways is directly tied to how I feel and experience the world as an autistic woman - loud, large groups can get incredibly overwhelming for me, so I just try my best to avoid them. I don't like going to restaurants much unless they have an outside eating area because they're usually too loud. My home is my sanctuary, where I can recharge, so I like to cherish my time at home when I can. And the thing that sucks is that more often than not I feel like even the surface-level answers makes me look - to presumably neurotypical people - like I'm just giving excuses, and that I'm some kind of a party pooper, and if I just said yes, if I just went to it, I'd have fun and whatever.

But that's the thing. I can have fun - in my own way. I'll decorate my desk with cheap little decorations for the holidays because I think holidays are fun. I have some super cutesy printed button ups I wear to work on days I feel down so that I feel more confident. I do maintain a degree of chitchat with my coworkers - pets are usually an incredibly safe topic with pretty much everyone (My mom bred small AKC litters of various breeds when I was younger, my brothers were in the 4H, animals have always been a part of my life). Sometimes I'll talk about the things I miss from Ohio to my fellow ex-Midwesterners, and see what they liked/disliked about their home states.

But I also like maintaining my work-life balance. I get paid hourly, but even if I was salary - work stays at work. The second 4:00 rolls around, I've clocked out and started my way to the door. I don't have a mobile work phone, because why would I need one? Anything that I really, desperately need to know or take care of can usually wait until the next business day anyway. And as kind of mean as it sounds, I kinda feel the same way towards my coworkers - I don't want to involve them in my life beyond work because to me, they are work.

And that's not a bad thing.

#thoughts #work