rambling: fat girl clothes
Ever since I wrote the blog post on my experiences being a fat person, and specifically a fat artist on the Internet, I've gotten a couple of really kind messages from other folks talking about their own experiences. I feel it's important to talk about these experiences because it provides support in the greater realm of neutral and positive body image in general - that one's worthiness for kindness and dignity should not be tied to one's body's shape or size. Consider this a follow-up to that blog post.
A brief aside: there's this knee-jerk part of me that fears that whatever I say ends up being taken as an "I love pancakes", "so you hate waffles?" type of thing that happens so frequently within the topic of body positivity. There's a very common fallacy seen in those spaces where, in talking about the struggles that fat people face and uplift them, there's this assumption that this discussion coincides with putting down thin people. It does not help that some body positivity accounts quite literally put down thin people as part of their whole modus operandi.
Here's the thing though: this whole issue isn't a zero sum game - berating thin people for simply existing does not empower fat bodies. We should all work towards a world where people can live as they are without shame towards aspects of their bodies, whether that's in weight (or the lack of control over it), in height (especially in regards to men's heights), in shape, in skin color or skin appearance, in ability or disability, what have you. I simply don't really have much to say about it because I am, never have, and probably will never be thin ĀÆ
(ć)/ĀÆ that being said, I do also think there are struggles that are specific to things fat people deal with, especially in regards to discrimination in healthcare, clothing, and treatment in general in our world at large, and I can't blame other fat people online for getting really annoyed when people that aren't fat see their posts relating to those experiences and share them while adding "I'm not fat but I relate so much :)" - not because of the simple relation to those experiences, but rather the insistence that they have to proclaim that they themselves are not fat. Like, cool, but why do you feel the need to add that disclaimer?
Aight, with all that out of the way - I was behooved to write about my experiences and relationship with clothing in particular as a fat person what with a video I saw by Abby Cox concerning the history of pockets in women's garments (as an aside, I'm not the biggest fan of Abby - though the topics she covers are interesting, her video on corsets making a "comeback" in tandem with body positivity/neutrality movements is. Uh. I have a lot of thoughts that are way outside of the scope of this blog post but the tl;dr of it is "well-meaning video with really not great implications if you spend a few minutes thinking about it and how she frames it" and it kinda soured her channel for me, sorry). I think it's a really interesting video, especially for those that are interested in fashion and especially women's and feminine fashion. In the latter half of the video, Abby covers the phenomenon of removing pockets from women's clothing in an effort to make oneself look thinner - clothing to make you 10lbs lighter, clothes that de-accentuate your butt, what to wear and what not to wear to accentuate the right things and hide the wrong things. While I do think knowing what's good for showing off parts of your body could be helpful in the lens of "what part of me do I like that I want people to look at" a la that /r/femalefashionadvice post concerning the whole "dressing your body type" thing and separating the idea from the obsession with the tall hourglass to talking about different ways to accentuate parts that you simply like, it'd be disingenuous to not recognize that the whole reason it exists in the first place is because of that obsession with looking thin and looking "attractive" (i.e. the tall hourglass). And that got me thinking about how I perceived myself and how I dressed over the years.
In my blog post about my experiences being fat, I mentioned how as I was approaching my teen years, my mom often had trouble finding clothing that would fit me, and Iād resort to receiving her hand-me-downs directly from my mom - the likes of Fashion Bug, Maurices, and Lands' End (not necessarily plus size exclusive, but my beef is below). And with all due respect to those that enjoy it, to my teenage self: that shit was straight grandma shit. Everything was shapeless, everything was frumpy, everything made me feel old. Out of place. One of my most embarrassing memories I've ever had was coming into History class in 6th grade and finding out I was wearing the very same blouse as the 72 y.o. teacher. I was already bullied enough as is for being a weird autistic fat girl, but this shit - they never lived down. I was the "grandma kid". I was already predisposed to being an outcast, and that shit just compounded it. Just some fat, ugly, miserable kid wearing ruffly blouses I inherited from my mom with low-rise bootcut jeans that were too long because I was a little over 5' and would just get sopping wet and track mud everywhere what with the dreary Ohio weather.
Thankfully, the 2010's was the era of skinny jeans, and by the mid-2010's low rise pants were on its way out - I've almost always worn high-waisted pants ever since, and even now I still do. I think part of it has to do with "hiding the tummy", which in retrospect is backwards - it's going to be there regardless of how hard you squish it in or hide it. Because it's part of you! But if so much as the silhouette of a navel appeared, it became gross in my brain. Unacceptable. At that point as well, I started to practically live within one of three hoodies - a blue Pink branded hoodie that was given to me at some point, an oversized dilapidated red Ohio State University hoodie that was given to me at... some point, or the grey hoodie that was branded with my trade school's livery that was an option for our uniforms. I also at some point stole my father's black Adidas hoodie, which I ended up living in as well (I still have this one, surprisingly). I took comfort in being shapeless, because it was better than the alternative - ugly.
From that point up until I was employed at my local hospital in 2021, that was literally all I wore. I had a couple of t-shirts, but otherwise - I was the Standard Issue Ohioan, going to the grocery store in pajama pants and all. Facetiousness aside, I was constantly miserable with my clothes but never had the money or knowledge of where to buy clothes that fit, let alone clothes that I liked that I wanted, and could, wear. Torrid and Lane Bryant obviously existed at the time, but Torrid of the 2010ās onward was not the beloved 90ās Torrid so beloved by plus sized folks - by that point it had already been knee deep in banking on fat disney adults with cheap merch and did away with any semblance of the cool alternative fashion it once had. And with Lane Bryant, again, it just felt like clothes my mom would wear to me. A lot of times, it was quite literal - because my mom would wear them, and give them to me when they no longer fit right or if she didnāt like them anymore. I didn't own a single article of "formal" clothing - I didn't think I even deserved to wear it because I was too fat and ugly and homely to be able to without looking like my mom. I had to loan a suit from my mother for my interview because I simply didn't own one - this brown wool suit that, while comfortable, did not help the "looking like my mom" allegations one bit.
And that, I think, was the thing that haunts me with fashion - for much of my life, I was heavily associated with my mother. I'm the spitting image of her - the only things I really "took" from my father genetically were my grey-blue eyes and the dimple on my chin. It drove me nuts (derogatory). Like, I love my mom, in a complicated way - like an abused divorcee would look at their previous loved one. She will forever be a part of me. But I hated how intertwined we were - from what we wore to how we styled our hair to our thoughts to her even trying to coerce me to buy a Jeep as my first car (nope, nope, nope). When she had problems, I was the first person she confided in. When she had problems, I was the first person she'd take it out on.
For much of my life, I wasn't me. I was an extension of my mother.
Once I was employed, I needed a wardrobe change: namely, I needed workwear. Jeans were a no-go. My mom had some hand-me-downs, but otherwise - that meant needing to go shopping. And now, I had more options than ever! Cool!
But that also meant attacking a really touchy spot - finding workwear. I didn't need a suit - I just borrowed one from my mom. But I needed stuff to wear on the day-to-day. I spent the immediate weekend walking to the local Goodwill and just sifting through things: a couple pairs of slacks (jeans were against the dress code), a couple white blouses, and a couple pairs of flats, and a knit open-front cardigan. And that was my "work uniform". At some point, I bought a couple plain mock neck tees in a few different colors off Macy's that were on sale for ~$15 a piece and phased the itchy blouses out. And that was what I wore, and thatās what I still wear, with some variations of it.
Like, it's stupid thinking about it, but this basic bitch librarian-wannabe looking ass fit was pretty important to me. I was able to make my outfits, mine. And more importantly - I began to actually like what I saw in the mirror. I began to like me, even if only a little bit.
After I earned my associate's degree, I treated myself and ordered a bunch of fun print button-ups from Carmico - one of each of the long-sleeved strawberry ones. When I finally had them in my hands and wore them for the first time, I almost cried. I was able to see me as myself, in neutral terms. It felt nice. Sure, it wasn't the curvaceous girly that teenage me wanted to see, but I wasn't teenage me anymore - I was me.
It was also at that point I started to contend with my own idea of what my own gender is: I don't consider myself fully a "woman" nor necessarily a "man" but kinda just my own thing. Some days I wanted to present more masculine, other days more feminine. I didn't think I was necessarily genderfluid, but just flexible in a queer kind of way. I'm whatever makes the joke funny. I'm cool with just about anything, but I'm okay with just calling myself a girl if it makes it easier for people that don't quite understand it. I think part of it is the shape of my body, something that was such a point of contention growing up. Being shaped like a lumpy brick makes it difficult to see myself as a "real woman", even with all this talk of being okay with seeing your body as it is and the life it gives you. It makes it easier for me to contend with the idea of gender being this malleable thing, I can be one, the other, both, neither, et cetera. While one's body shape shouldn't define one's gender, it is through my body being how it is that allows me to have such a loose and fast view of my own self identity.
Back to the clothes thing. About a year and a half in I took a trip to Phoenix to be with my girlfriend, and an apparent issue came to light - I didn't really have any clothes that were "suitable" for the trip. I hadn't owned shorts since I was in high school and they required it for PE; my shoe collection comprised of a pair of oversized beaten to shit Converses I wore every day to work, a pair of beaten to shit Calvin Klein flats, and a pair of Timbs that were for drudging in the snow. So, we took some time to go shopping online for some casual wear.
And holy shit, like. There's definitely way more choices than we had before, but plus size women's fashion is still so, so desolate. Having still lived in bumfuck Ohio at the time, online stores were essential, but now living in Phoenix, most stores that aren't Torrid or Lane Bryant only carry up to size 16 if you're lucky, and those that do carry larger sizes in-store like Macy's have middling offerings: where the regular women's section would have fun cropped cardigans, fun tees and cutesy skirts, the plus size section has loose floral blouses, cold shoulders (whyyy are stores so insistent on fat girls wearing cold shoulder tops), and "tummy control" stretch pants galore - or, of course, workwear, because fat people still gotta work (which is good! but man I want cute shit :/ ) . Some stores, also like Macy's, only carry their plus sizes (or only carry the fun, interesting stuff...) online, which means having to contend with making sure your measurements are correct and gambling and just hoping that it ends up being the correct size for you - not to mention the right fabric, which can be a nightmare for people with sensory issues. You can, of course, seek out plus sized specific or size-inclusive online stores like the aforementioned Carmico or Universal Standard or the various other options, but the same thing applies (plus the prices typically being significantly higher than that of āregular storesā - I donāt care if that shirt is going to blow me, Iām not paying $60+ for a single plain white 100% cotton tee new. US has a decent aftermarket on eBay/Poshmark/etc though) - you're not gonna know 'til you've spent the money and it's at your doorstep. And that's more accounts to have with your card on it and...
And it's like, fuck! Fuck! I hate it! I hate going to the mall and there being fashionable options for my girlfriend in spades, but barely anything for me unless I wanna whip out the Werther's (my interest in hunting down older Lincolns as my first car is not helping this reputation). I hate that I'll never have "the shopping mall spree experience" my peers get to have because I'm too damn fat for most clothes there! This shit sucks, dog! Fuck!
All this to say - while there have been vast improvements, I still believe plus sized fashion will always lag behind that of straight sized fashion until it is taken more seriously. Thereās this meme an artist I like made of like, two pairs of the same pants from Hot Topic - the one straight pair has all the cool chains and studs and looks cool shit, while the plus sized one is just plain ass jeans that has, like, chains by the pockets and thatās it. I think it illustrates on a micro level the quality of plus sized clothing in comparison to its contemporary straight sized counterparts. Plus sized fashion will fall short simply due to the way standardized sizing works - thereās more variation in shapes sizes from one fat person to another, and as such clothing will never accommodate most fat people like straight sizes can accommodate straight sized people, no matter how much stretchy material you slather on that thing. Plus, stores that accommodate a wide range of sizes will have to take a financial hit in making them - after all, why make a good, larger dress when the amount of material could make two good, smaller dresses and you could charge the same price. As such, despite it being a nearly half a trillion dollar industry, thereās always this hesitation companies have with their plus sized lines and they end up being as lackluster as they are.
I think once I get my car situation sorted (we have a car now! Huzzah! But it is my girlfriendās grandmaās. And it is new, so sheās not going to let me drive it. I still have to find a car for myself :/ ) Iād like to start setting aside money for a wardrobe refresh and really look into the options out there - like, good stores do exist! I just need to know where to look. But man, this shit sucks - all the time and research into finding places I like, how they fit, spending the money and having a 50/50 chance shit wonāt work out at all.
I wish things were easier.