catching up
a lot can happen in six months, doesn’t it?
i havent touched this blog - or the personal web space in general - in a long while. there’s a lot of factors, but it boils down to this: life just… happens. one minute youre contemplating suicide trying to cram an entire year’s worth of nonsense just so you could graduate high school, the next youre contemplating suicide while struggling to make ends meet. and suddenly, youre a year older.
the past few weeks, especially as my birthday passed, ive been increasingly plagued with this forlorn feeling. i think it’s mainly just grief. not in a literal sense - no one in my life has died per se, i havent felt a literal loss. but realizing that 2017 was in fact seven years ago, and that I finished college in 2022 and have been in the workforce for years now, ive grown to realize how deprived i was from the experiences i couldve had. i do not feel like i “should” be in my mid-20’s now. i still havent owned a car yet, i dont make enough to support myself on my own. i still feel like im perpetually 16, still fucking up and being a failure. i still feel like im not allowed to walk in a dispensary because im not old enough (my birthyear starts with 19 lololol)
let’s speedrun a bit through what all has happened, in no particular order:
my girlfriend and i broke up. id be lying if i said i wasnt bitter, but at the same time, i think we’re better as friends than lovers. now if only i didn’t have to live with her - unfortunately, i cant afford otherwise. she can be extremely frustrating at times, in a way that makes it more and more difficult for me to justify her behaviors with “shes disabled” - as am I, but I’m still working 40+ hour workweeks waking up at 5 every day and still expected to figure out dinners and groceries and foot every bill we have. the least she could do is do the dishes.
ive been going to therapy since june, and have been continuing taking lexapro with the addition of wellbutrin in the mornings. its fine enough, my anxiety is at bay to the point i can still function to some degree but its still been difficult
on that note, i was diagnosed with ptsd/cptsd from my experiences in childhood. ive been working through my traumas with my therapist, but it’s been extremely difficult for me. i definitely feel like this heavily contributes to my grief for having lost the opportunities and experiences i could have had as a child/teen - why i wasnt able to have any friends, why i never “properly” went to college, why im so goddamn hard on myself all the time.
it doesnt help that this grief is further compounded by my mom’s… everything. every time we talk, its never about how ive been doing. its about when im “coming home”. she insists she’ll buy me a plane ticket. she insists she’ll buy me a car. she insists she’ll get me a job back in ohio.
but that’s the thing, though. she sees me not as her daughter, but an extension of her. that im supposed to share her thoughts, her ideals, her beliefs. i am nothing more than a thing to her. a thing that she wants to control. and its all the more reason for me to minimize contact with her.
been doing watercolor/gouache painting a lot recently. im not quite sure what moved me to do so - i think my feelings on generative images have made me reconsider my relationship with art. its made me realize how much of my digital art is functionally lost media now, how little i value my art and how i just. dont really enjoy the creative process of digital art anymore. its been fun overall. i just wish i had more time to do it.
deadlock is very fun. i like playing dynamo and haze